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Chapter Three: ON SHAME

The Sages have said: "Intelligence is a sense of shame and a sense of shame is intelligence." For regarding Adam and Eve, it is said: "The two of them were naked and yet they felt no shame" (Gen. 2:25). And they did not understand what modesty is and they could not distinguish between good and evil. But, after they had eaten of the Tree of Knowledge, it is said: "Then the eyes of both of them were opened" (Gen. 3:7).

And thus with all living creatures outside of man there is no sense of shame, since they have no wisdom. Every one wise of heart knows the worth of the virtue of intelligence and wisdom, for through this virtue he attains the truth of things and also the concept of the oneness of his Creator, Blessed is He, and how to serve Him — and in serving God man can be like the angels.

And since the virtue of wisdom is so great it is necessary that her companion, a sense of shame, who resembles wisdom, should be ever near to her. And the proof of the matter is that you have never seen a man with a sense of shame who is not an intelligent and knowing person, and conversely, you have never seen an intelligent and knowing person who is without the sense of shame. Therefore, it is fitting for every person to try and find pleasure in the exercise of this important virtue, and to cleave to it until it becomes fixed and established in his soul. He must make it the strongest quality in his nature, and it must be in his eyes the most important quality he possesses, for through it he will attain most of the other virtues and will be restrained from sins and from all ugly qualities.

The quality of shame is a fence and an iron partition between a man and all manner of sins, for a man may commit many sins in private that he would be ashamed to do in public. An example cited by our Sages: "When Rabbi Johanan ben Zakkai was about to expire, his disciples said to him, 'Our teacher, bless us!' And he said to them, 'May the fear of Heaven be upon you as much as you fear human beings!' They asked in wonder, 'Shall we indeed fear God only as much as we fear human beings and no more?' Whereupon, he said to them, 'Would that it were so, If only you would realize that when a man commits a sin he thinks "I hope no one sees me," (Berachoth 28b). All because he is afraid of being disgraced in the eyes of people, and this fear of disgrace often restrains him from doing a sinful act. Eventually, he will refrain from doing a sinful act from nobler motives (Pesahim 50b).

But the highest form of the virtue of shame is that he should be ashamed before the Holy One, Blessed is He, as it is said: "O my God, I am ashamed and blush to lift up my face to Thee" (Ezra 9:6). And if you should think, "How can I be ashamed before Him whom I cannot see with my eyes?" you should truly know that even though the Holy One, Blessed is He, is hidden from the eyes of all the living, He is found in our hearts and is revealed in our thoughts. Man can attain a higher degree in his sense of shame if he meditates in solitude on the greatness of God, Blessed is He, and if he remembers constantly the Holy One, Blessed is He, who sees his deeds and searches the reins and sees his thoughts. As an example, one of our Sages said, "If you have guarded yourself all your days not to sin, do not take credit for yourself because the beginning of turning away from sin lies in your being ashamed of what people will think of you." Therefore, a person should be very careful to guard against this motive and to keep in his heart when he avoids sin that he does not refrain from sin because of shame from his fellows, for the evil desire prompts him to concern himself with the opinion of his fellows, saying, "If you do this people will hold you in contempt." Therefore, a man should place as first above all — that he must know his Creator, recognize His power, and decide in his heart whom he wishes to serve and whom he fears, whose command he wishes to obey and who has warned him. As David said to Solomon, his son: "Know thou the God of thy father and serve Him with a whole heart and with a willing mind" (I Chron. 28:9). In this way he will attain to the degree where he is ashamed only before God.

It is clearly known that all people do many things in secret, speak many things in secret, and think many thoughts, and the only thing they fear is that these matters will become known. If all their deeds that they did from their youth and all the words they spoke and all the thoughts they thought were to be exposed and revealed before everyone, they would suffer the greatest embarassment. Then how much more ought one to be ashamed before the Holy One, Blessed is He, who looks into the hearts of men and sees their thoughts and knows all the deeds, words and thoughts that a man has done all his life long, and does not forget — how much more ought we to be ashamed before Him!

There are four stages in a sense of shame. The first is a person who is ashamed to do sins in public and sins in secret. Such a person insults God for he shows that he cares more for people's opinion than he does for God's opinion, and his transgression is a great one.

The second is a person who is ashamed to do wrong publicly and holds back from sinning even privately because he feels that somehow his sin will become known and then he will be ashamed before God, Blessed is He, and man (for his fault will be a profanation of the Name.) Of this person our Sages said: "From a base motive he will arrive at following a precept for its own sake" (Pesahim 50b).

The third is a person who thinks, "How shall I do this evil in secret and show more shame before a servant (human beings) than before the master (God) and thereby attempt to deceive God." Thus he holds back from the transgression. This is a good virtue.

The fourth is a person who is ashamed before God alone, Blessed is He, for anything wrong he does publicly or privately. There is no quality above this virtue.

Our Sages said: "Anyone who does a transgression and is ashamed of his deed is forgiven for all his sins" (Berakoth 12b). And they said further, "He who has a sense of shame is destined for Paradise" (Aboth 5:42). And our Sages said, "Faith and a sense of shame are linked together, for the one who is ashamed before people shows that he believes in people. If he did not believe in the importance and worth of people he would not care for their opinion and therefore would not be ashamed before them." The wise man said, "If it brings you no shame do all that you desire."

A man should accustom himself not to do anything that will embarrass his companion and make him too ashamed to protest — as, for example, if he should suddenly enter into the privacy of his companion uninvited or stay as a house guest; and his companion is painfully ashamed to tell him to leave. Or if he reads from the diary, letters or other private papers of his companion and his companion is too embarrassed to tell him not to read his personal papers, and similar instances.

And he should be careful not to impose upon his companion in any way by asking him for something, a gift — or requesting him to loan him some utensils or money when he knows his companion does not do these things willingly but is ashamed to turn the petitioner away empty handed.

He who has the quality of shame will find it difficult to bear the fact that his companion is put to shame because of him. On this subject the wise man said, "Love that friend who clearly shows that he cannot do without your help, even though you need his help more than he needs yours, and who forgives you if you wrong him in such a manner that it would appear that he was in the wrong, and asks of you things he does not need in order that you may not be embarassed to ask him for things that you do need."

He who wishes to accustom himself to having a sense of shame should sit constantly in the presence of those of whom he is ashamed of doing anything wrong in their presence.

A man should not lose his dignity by constantly begging favors of people, for if you do lose your dignity you will find it difficult to find some one who will restore it.

There is a man who brings shame on his friend not because he hates him but because he wants to free himself from a sense of shame. Such a man says, "What did I do? So and so did the same thing I did." In this way he makes light of his wrongful act. From this great evils follow: First he brings others to shame because he feels less guilty by making light of his sin. Second, he will find it difficult to repent for he thinks, "What did I do? So and so did likewise." And third, he causes others to sin because as long as he removes his own feeling of guilt he will excuse the act in others and even induce them to do likewise.

And if he lies about others in order to make his guilt and shame seem less, then his guilt is exceedingly great for he ascribes disgrace and shame to good people. And many more evils result from this.

There is a person who is ashamed of keeping away from sins. For example, where his fellow citizens commit certain sin — as to ogle at women who pass by and similar lewd conduct, and they mock anyone who does not do likewise. In such a case a man ought to strengthen himself to bear the shame they heap upon him and resist sinning no matter how they belittle him for clinging to his morals.

And there is he who is ashamed when he follows certain commandments of the Torah that many people no longer follow, and these people laugh at him for following these "outmoded precepts". He should bear their mockery and fulfill the commandment. And a person should never abandon any precept or religious practice because he is ashamed to perform it before people, for he should rather be ashamed before the Creator, may He be Blessed, who commanded the performance of these precepts.

For it is clear that the servant of a king will not abandon the king's command though he bears much shame from everyone who may laugh at him for performing that which his king commanded him. And he who cannot bear the shame in performing the precept and is ashamed to fulfill the command of God — and thus forsakes the path of good out of fear of shame — this kind of shame is very evil. And thus, if he is ashamed to admit the truth, this too is an evil disease. And thus, if he is too shy to rebuke people and command them to do good. And thus if he sits before his teacher and is too ashamed to ask what he does not know, whether it be a small matter or a big matter, such an attitude is very ugly. In these cases Scripture says: "Do not act foolishly by exalting yourself nor by cunningly keeping silent" (Prov. 30:32). And our Sages of Blessed Memory said: "The one who is ashamed (to ask questions) does not learn" (Aboth 2:5). The proper way is never to be ashamed to ask concerning what one does not know whether it be a small matter or a large one. Did you not see that David, King of Israel, said in Psalms 119:46: "And I will speak of Thy testimonies before kings and I shall not be ashamed."

A pious man is so called because he has a sense of shame, for the word 'hassid' or 'pious' means 'white', for the translation of 'stork' (Hassidah) in Aramaic is "hawaeita" meaning "the white one", as you note in Leviticus 11:19, and similarly in Isaiah 29:22: "Neither shall his face now become white" (with shame), and the Aramaic translation of "herpah" (shame) is hisda (same as Hassid), as you will note in Genesis 34:14. And all of this for what reason? That the Hassid or pious person must bear shame in order to fulfill the Torah, and he must remove shame from his face at performing any precept. Then he is called a Hassid or "pious one", and thus he attains to prophecy as it is written: "Then didst Thou speak in vision to Thy pious ones" (Ps. 89:20). And through his sense of shame he will attain to true reverence of God, as it is written: "In order that His awe be upon your faces and you do not sin" (Exod. 20:20). What kind of awe or fear of God can be seen in a person's face? You must surely say, "A sense of shame" (which causes the face to change color) (Nedarim 20a).

And one should be very careful not to shame any man for the Sages said: "He who whitens (shames) the face of another in public has no portion in the world to come" (Baba Mezià 59a). To whiten another's face is like murder, for the red departs and the white comes (thus one is spilling the blood of the shamed one within him) (Ibid., 58b). And the Sage said further: The pain of shame is worse than death. A person should allow himself to be burnt alive and not shame his fellow in public. And they learned this from Tamar who, even though they brought her forth to be burned, did not want to shame Judah (Berakoth 43b). And even when you are required to rebuke another the Torah says: "You shall surely rebuke your neighbor and not bear sin because of him" (Lev. 19:17). How shall you rebuke? At first, secretly and gently. However if you rebuke him at the beginning in public and shame him, then you have sinned because of this, (Arakin 16b). And this is all the more true where one shames another where no rebuke is called for.

And the destruction of Jerusalem was caused because of the shaming of Bar Kamtzah (Gittin 55b).

Therefore, one should be most careful not to do anything that will cause anyone in the world shame. Even when he discusses Torah with another and hears his companion make a mistake, he should not say to him, "You made a mistake!" or "You don't understand!" or any similar expression, so that his companion be not shamed, but he should pretend that he is not aware that his companion made a mistake. Nor in conversing should he directly refer by nickname to a man so as not to embarrass him. But if he wants to speak with someone who has a nickname, or even about him out of his presence, he should say, "So and so, from such and such a place" or "the son of so and so" or mention a few characteristics that will identify him without using the nickname.

And a man should never say publicly or privately, "This one (naming him) wanted to give me his daughter as a wife but I did not want her." For in this way he honors himself and shames another. And thus he must be extremely careful in every matter that no shame should be borne by another because of his words.

Let a man always be among the shamed ones rather than among those who shame others, and among those who hear insults and do not respond, for of them it is said in Judges 5:31 "But they that love Him shall be as the sun when he goes forth in his might". This is commented on in Shabbath 88b: "Measure for measure! Because he heard insult and his face turned pallid (and yet he was silent) God will cause his face to shine more than the light of the sun, as it is similarly said in Isaiah 60:1, 'And the glory of the Lord has shone upon thee.' "

From the sense of shame one reaches humility, for he humbles himself before people because of his sense of shame. And one reaches the state of sincere modesty, since one with a sense of shame will not do any wrong acts openly. The Sages said, "Of good children — a sense of shame is written on their faces, for he who has a sense of shame — it is a sign that he is from the seed of Abraham, Issac and Jacob" (Yebamoth 79a). The Sages said, "A sense of shame is known at a time of anger" (when even his wrath does not cause a man to do or say something of which he will be ashamed.) And they also said, "Easier it is to bear the hatred of a person with a sense of shame than the love of a fool." A man should have a sense of shame before any man and place upon his face the mask of shame that shows his feelings clearly. As you know of in the case of Saul, when he hid because of his modesty, as it is said: "Behold he has hid himself among the baggage" (I Sam. 10:22). And God chose him to be king, as it is said: "Have you seen him whom the Lord has chosen?" (I Sam. 10:24). The Sages said, "This quality of modesty is among the best qualities of a precious soul."

And it perfects the nature of a truly pious man as complete physical health perfects the body. And he who has the sense of shame is of greater worth. The rest you will seek and understand more clearly.